How To Feel Better About Yourself
So many of us struggle with self-esteem, anxiety, depression, self-talk, and our overall sense of identity.
Now, I’m not here to say there’s a quick fix to any of these, but I am here to say you don’t have to continuously struggle with these issues for the rest of your life.
Many of my clients have talked to me about feeling “out of whack” with who they want to be and what they care about, but can’t seem to get “back on track.”
They tell me they cognitively know what could help them and what is most likely making things worse, but they just keep doing the stuff they know isn’t helping.
Sound familiar?
In psychology, we call this phenomenon “cognitive dissonance”. In other words, we say we value or believe something, but our behavior speaks otherwise.
We may not see the consequences of cognitive dissonance right away, but over time, the more we don’t act in line with what matters to us, the further away we get from living a life we feel good about.
Here’s a few examples of cognitive dissonance:
You say you value health and wellness, but you’re not eating well and aren’t exercising at all.
Or
You know you value consistency, but you continue to not finish what you said you were going to do.
When our values (or what matters to us) aren’t acted out in our actual lives it can lead to anxiety, depression, negative self-talk, and low self-esteem.
And I know what you may be thinking, ok I get it I’m not living in line with my values very well, but I can’t just snap my fingers and start doing everything perfectly!
I get it, actually getting to the root of why we’re not living in line with our values takes work (many times through getting support in therapy), but better understanding what’s holding us back from living more congruently with what we care about is key to reducing unnecessary stress.
5 Tips to Feel Better About Yourself:
1. Find your values
I do this exercise with every one of my clients before we get started. Identifying your top 3-5 values in life at this moment is vital to being able to filter out how you make decisions. When we’re able to pull out the values at the very top of our list, we can create better boundaries and advocate for ourselves to live more in line with what matters most to us. If you don’t take the time to think about what these are, you can fall into cognitive dissonance quickly.
Below are a handful of values you could choose from to start thinking about what these look like for you right now. To get a more comprehensive list, just google “values list” and you can get ideas from there.
Examples:
Kindness, Joy, Family, Health, Determination, Success, Humor, Security, Responsibility, Uniqueness, Consistency, Stability, Spontaneity, Creativity, Purpose, Genuineness, Adventure, Strength, Maturity, Logic, Honesty, Wisdom, Wonder, Fairness, Optimism, Knowledge, Support, Generosity, Gratitude, Loyalty, Passion, Patience, Empathy, Independence, Beauty, Courage, Hope, Openness
Important Note: Your top values are what you care most about in the world, not what others think you should care about.
2. Identify Blocks
Once you’ve identified your top values, it may not necessarily make it easier to begin acting in line with them. Identifying your values will give you more clarity, but it’s now time for the hard work of figuring out what could be holding you back from acting on them.
Mental blocks are usually a big part of this.
Sometimes we have core beliefs that block us from taking action. An example of a core belief could be “Who am I to accomplish this?” or “I’ll never be good enough, why even try?” or “People won’t like it or will judge me if I change”. These beliefs are usually not reality-driven but still feel very true.
The best way to start challenging negative core beliefs is to first identify the most common core beliefs that hold you back from living more in line with your top values, then to begin finding evidence both for and against the belief.
Once you have evidence, start questioning how true this belief really is. Does it really hold weight? Would others in your life that care about you believe these core beliefs?
You’ll most likely come to see that these beliefs have very little grounds to be taking up space rent-free in your brain. Telling these beliefs they’re not so helpful anymore and then replacing them with new beliefs such as “This will be difficult, but I have everything it takes to accomplish it” or “I am responsible for myself and my own change, not other’s responses to it” can help to open up space for us to begin acting on our values and reduce cognitive dissonance in our lives.
3. Speak to fears
Fear can be a very effective motivator in our lives but it can also be a false alarm.
Now hear me out, fear isn’t “the bad guy” even though it can definitely feel like it. Fear can warn us of very real threats, and a healthy amount of anxiety can help us get out of bed in the morning and get to school and work on time.
But when fear is a driving force behind us not living in line with our values, it’s a sign that it’s taken over the driver’s seat. We have to do the work to speak to our fear, appreciate what it’s trying to do for us (protecting us from perceived danger) and put it in its rightful place (not making all the decisions).
Identifying our fears and doing the work to regulate them enough so we can make clear decisions can be challenging. In therapy, we can process through what this looks like for you, what your fears may trying to be protecting you from, and how to calm them down enough to take a seat so you can get back in the driver’s seat of your life.
4. Space to be messy
Growth is not linear. These are not steps to suddenly feel better and never act out of line with your values or to always feel great about yourself.
What this is, is an invitation to intentionally go about putting the groundwork down in your life to move forward confidently and feel good about where you’re going even when the hard days come, because they will. When we live in line with what we care about, it’s not going to be mess-free, in fact, it may invite more “mess” into your life as others see you change and may not always like it.
It’s up to you to make the decision to identify what matters most to you, challenge negative thoughts that are holding you back from living them out, addressing fears, and reaching out for help when needed. This work isn’t easy, but there is help out there for moving towards living a life you truly feel good about no matter what’s next.
5. Reach out for support
I know starting therapy can feel overwhelming (what do I even talk about?) expensive (how do I know this is worth it?) intimidating (is this person trustworthy?) and maybe just straight-up scary (I’ve never done this before).
I hear you and I know it’s hard.
I do want to encourage you if any piece of this post resonated with you, please know reaching out for support is one of the bravest things you can do right now.
If you’re feeling:
Overwhelmed: take a few deep breaths and remind yourself this could be an incredible investment in your wellbeing and future.
Anxious about prices: ask about sliding scales, insurance, superbills, and meeting biweekly.
Intimidated: finding a reputable therapist is possible, and if it’s not a good fit you have every right to stop and try someone else.
Scared: you are not alone in this feeling! But please, don’t let this be the reason you choose to not take the next step towards healing and growth.
If you live in New York and are looking for a therapist, don’t hesitate to reach out for a free 15-minute consultation with me to see if we could be a good fit.
Warmly,
Elizabeth
