My Way or the Highway

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you’re having a really hard time adapting to change?

Maybe you had plans to go out to dinner with your partner on Friday night. You get ready and you head out to the restaurant, but you find yourself getting irritated because it’s not looking the way you hoped?

Your partner is wondering why you’re getting frustrated and you may not have the words to really explain what’s happening.

Or maybe you’re planning on cooking a delicious meal and you can’t wait to get started. But when you look in your pantry you realize you’re missing an ingredient. You get upset and have a hard time coming back from it.

If you relate to either of these or can apply it to another scenario, what might be happening is cognitive rigidity.

Cognitive rigidity can show up when we’ve envisioned something or have expectations that don’t get met, and have a difficult time changing course or going with the flow. Our vision isn’t working out, and our brain is telling us something is very wrong. It may feel almost impossible to not fixate on how we’re disappointed or angry. And it’s okay! Chances are what we envisioned mattered to us, so losing it can be difficult.

But these moments can feel distressing, especially if we don’t know why we can’t seem to “shake” the irritation away and continue to focus on it. It can be even more difficult when we can’t quite put our finger on what’s happening and others notice.

For many of us who struggle with anxiety, cognitive rigidity is common. Anxiety can often tell us to control in order to get relief, but when things begin to feel out of order or not “in line” with the plan in our heads, our anxiety alarm systems can go off (even though there’s no real threat).

The good news is, just like physical flexibility, we can also work on cognitive flexibility.

7 ways to boost Cognitive Flexibility:

1. Change it up

I always like to have people begin with “baby steps” when it comes to practicing cognitive flexibility. This can seem trivial at first, but building these habits really does start with the little things!

Try changing up your walk to work, or your morning routine. Maybe you take a different street or you do your skincare routine after you brush your teeth (or vice versa). Just think about small things you can be intentional with changing. The point of this isn’t to just change what you do, it’s to recognize how you feel when you do.

Do you notice yourself feeling slightly uncomfortable? Do you feel fine? Did you even notice a difference at all? Recognizing these feelings can help you to become more aware of where anxiety may pop up for you in a less threatening way.

2. Make the categories

When anxiety tells us we need to start controlling things we have to remind ourselves what we do and do not have control over.

This is a helpful way to pull our minds out of “the weeds” and gain a little perspective. Whether you write these out or just think of them, try making these categories:

Mine, Others, Reality

Now, put your worries into these categories.

• The “mine” category are things you have control over. For example: how I respond to my emotions, being honest, apologizing, reaching out to ___, cleaning my apartment, ect.

• The “others” category is what you do not have control over but others do. For example: other’s emotions, other’s opinions, ect.

• The “reality” category is what no one has control over. For example: natural disasters, illness, ect.

Putting our anxieties into these categories can be helpful to declutter our minds and help us remember where to focus our energy (only on things in the “mine” category!).

3. Open Hands

This is the hard part after you do the exercise above!

Trying to put our energy towards what we do have control over can be tough, but we also have to remember to put just as much effort into letting go of what we don’t have control over. An exercise that can help is to physically open up your hands and imagine everything that isn’t in the “mine” category flowing out of your hands. This can be an experiential way to remind ourselves to invite openness and flexibility into our lives.

4. The Wave

Anxiety is a wave of uncomfortability or distress that has an end (even if it doesn’t feel like it!).

Just like a surfer rides a wave, there is an apex to it, and then it’s over. Picturing the feelings that come with anxiety, in the same way, can be helpful to allow it to be there without trying to control it or make it go away. The crazy thing is when we do this, it usually goes away much faster when we’re not fighting it!

Think of a Chinese finger trap (you know the ones you’d get as a prize at an arcade?). When you put your fingers in it and pull hard it’s impossible to get them out, but when you stop trying to force it, you’re free. Anxiety and difficult emotions work in a very similar way.

5. Awareness

Just being aware of how cognitive rigidity may show up in your life can be helpful to start connecting the dots in those frustrating moments mentioned earlier where it may feel like you don’t have the words to describe what’s going on.

Increasing awareness can happen through journaling about your feelings when things feel out of control or frustrating, asking a close friend or partner what tends to happen when you get this way or how it usually starts, and of course, talking to a therapist to help you gain some perspective. It can be difficult to gain awareness from our own perspective, so finding ways to use external support can be a game-changer in this area.

If you’re looking for a therapist to help you with this, I would love it if you reached out for a free 15-minute phone consultation with me here:

6. Mindfulness

There are many different ways to practice mindfulness (actually almost everything mentioned before is a form of mindfulness!). But just to reiterate how important it is if you’re working on cognitive flexibility, I wanted to mention why this matters.

Mindfulness is really just a way to bring awareness to what’s happening for us in our minds, hearts, and bodies. We want to do this in a non-judgemental and accepting way. That means if we have thoughts or emotions we don’t really like, we don’t get critical of them and try and push them away or ruminate on them. Instead, we allow them to be there but then also allow them to pass. This is important for cognitive flexibility because it helps us to not fixate on our thoughts and emotions or try to control them.

A few other ways to practice mindfulness are yoga, doing a guided breathing exercise or meditation on an app like Headway, or taking a mindful walk where you get in touch with your 5 senses (naming what you can see, feel, taste, hear, and smell).

7. Building Empathy

Many times when we get “stuck” in our heads and start wanting things done our way, it can feel extremely difficult to see things from someone else’s point of view.

Practicing empathy by actively listening to others and really trying to put yourself in their shoes can help you with cognitive flexibility.

A great acronym to use for active listening is LUVR which stands for: Listen, Understand, Validate, Repeat.

By really listening, validating what the other person is going through (even if you disagree!), and summarizing what they’ve told you, you can gain greater empathy and flexibility!

I hope these ideas are helpful to you as you practice inviting more flexibility into your life. Know that you’re not alone if you struggle with this and by practicing habits of mindfulness this will become easier every time!

Lastly, becoming more flexible will help you not only in your relationship with yourself, but will enhance your most important relationships as well, you’ve got this!

Warmly,

Elizabeth